Crochet Me Crazy

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Bill Clinton Virus v 1.0 - It has a six inch hard drive and no memory. Freezes entire system due to unresolved memory conflicts.

Bill Clinton Virus v 2.0 - It tells you it's executing any program you want, whether or not it's on your computer.

Bill Clinton Virus v 4.0 - Mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.

Bill Clinton virus v 6.0 - Automatically connects to every URL in your Internet browser's list of bookmarks, then it tells you emphatically that your computer never made any connections...to any URL...because since it didn't transmit and receive simultaneously, it wasn't really connected.

Bureaucrat Virus - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

CHILD VIRUS - It constantly does annoying things, but is too cute to get rid of.

Congressional Virus v 2.0 - Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Congressional Virus v 3.0 - Overdraws your disk space.

Couch Potato Virus - Just sits there, eating chips all day.

DEMOCRAT VIRUS - Doesn't allow you to delete inefficient programs or wasted disc space - if you try, it accuses you of being a "mean-spirited extremist".

DIET VIRUS - Allows your hard drive to lose weight by eliminating the FAT table.

DISNEY VIRUS - Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

DOLLY PARTON VIRUS - It sounds pretty good, but you'd swear your monitor looks larger and have more knobs than it used to. DEFLATE.COM removes it.

Elvis Virus - Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy and then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Firestone Viruses - Causes mouse to explode after 10,000 miles. Flying toasters actually fly off your screen saver. Leaves chunks of its code all over the information highway.

George W. Bush virus v 1.0 - Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.

George W. Bush virus v 2.0 - Tells you it's going to eliminate all other viruses from your computer but that it may take a long time. Then it actually does scan your computer and eliminate viruses. It also scans for Programs of Mass Destruction (PMD), which are programs that destroy a lot of files if they are run. PMDs may be caused by a number of other viruses, such as the Saddam Hussein virus. The only problems with the George Bush virus are that it uses up a lot of your computer's resources while it's scanning, it never seems to find any PMDs, and it keeps switching the background color on your computer screen back and forth between yellow and orange.

GERALDO RIVERA VIRUS - Digs dirt out of your files, but it airs the dirt for all to see. Temporarily disabled with CHAIR.EXE.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS - Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS - Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS v 1.0 - Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.

Hillary Clinton virus v 2.0 - sets the "hidden" attribute on all your accounting files and tells you your computer won't run in 2004 or 2008. Many experts believe this virus may become its most dangerous in 2008.

HOWARD STERN VIRUS - One of the dirtiest viruses around. It writes 4 letter words to all of your files just to annoy the operating system. It also installs an X-rated GIF on your hard drive. Very popular.

HURRICANE VIRUS - It blows away all your files, then tells you the government will help you rebuild them.

IRS Audit Virus - It comes in with very little warning, digs through all your files then sells all your worldly possessions on Ebay, and there's not a thing you can do about it. It doubles the files on your hard drive while it states it is decreasing the number of files, increases the cost of your computer, taxes its CPU to maximum capacity, and then uses Quicken to access your bank accounts and deplete your balances.

JEFFREY DAHMER VIRUS - Eats away at your systems resources piece by piece.

Jesse Jackson virus - warns you repeatedly not to reproduce illegitimate files, but meanwhile, it's reproducing illegitimate files in the background. And if you don't have a color monitor displaying 32-bit true color, it floods your screen with icons and threatens to shut down your computer.

Jiminy Cricket Virus - Changes your Zip disk into a Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah disk.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus - Nobody can find it. Your programs can never be found again.

MAFIA VIRUS - You don't want it, but you're afraid to get rid of it.

MARTHA STEWART VIRUS - Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.

Michael Jackson Virus v 1.0 - Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS - Quits after one byte.

O.J. Simpson Virus v 2.0 (Often accompanied by the Johnny Cochran Virus.) – You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it. Every time you try to search for a file, it runs "Pro Golf Tour 2000" instead.

Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS - This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack- Once, if by LAN; twice if by C.

PBS VIRUS - Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for a tax deductible contribution.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS v 1.0 - Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS v 2.0 - Rephrases the "Abort, Retry, Fail" prompt as "Choice, Retry, Success-Impaired".

Prozac Virus - Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

Public Transportation Virus - Makes your browser stop at every website.